Memoirs of a Young Erasmus Student (ג)
Happiness. Seduction
In my twenties, I was happy in solitude as I was in love.
The wiser you are in conversations with young women, the more knowledge you give them and the more you seduce them.
You will never know that you seduced her, until she invites in her bed to engage in a sexual affair.[1]
Not a husband and not a wife
“Put your hands all over my body!”
Madonna, Erotica
We eat together,
we drink together,
and we sleep together;
everything that we do,
we do it usually at the same speed and intensity.
But we are not married…
As we sleep together, I realize that she desires me as much as I desire her; another thing: In that the moment I became her master[2].
Of nights and desires
I will do to her as she did to me.
One night, in her studio, in her bed,
she desired me less than I desired her:
I did not refuse her,
but she did –she refused me.
Another night, in the same place,
she desired me more than I desired her:
but I refused her now,
I refused her as she did refuse me in a previous night…
That night, in Le Nantucket (Orléans), when she took my left hand in her right hand, I was afraid of her love –it was the first time when it happened to me.
On her mattress
She had more limits than the first one;
but, like her,
she too asked me to penetrate her slowly,
before we ended the sexual relationship.
They were wrong about my erotic life.
I am faster at the end than in the beginning;
naturally;
but not in penetration.
And I respected all her limits
as I did with all of them.
My greatest fear is not death, but love –being loved.
David and Solomon
Reading a psalm: If I love you, I am faithful to you.
Reading the Song of Songs: That your presence always confiscates me is the mark of my love.[3]
Always changing her mind
To my surprise, she desires me;
and then she does not;
and then she desires me again
and we go from the living room in the bedroom;
and then she does not desire me anymore,
she changes her mind again
and says:
“We must sleep separately.”
A gentleman does not enter her bed to engage in a sexual affair against her will and, if he is there at her request, is not a pervert.
Not all concubines are the same
To know if a woman is beautiful, you must see her (almost) naked.
A concubine and a pagan concubine is not the same thing.
Just as, for a mathematician, to love music and to love classical music is the same thing, for me, to love a concubine and to love a pagan concubine is the same thing.
No concubine turned me into a pagan.
If you surround me with your love and are pagan, I will not love you.
The more time you spend with a concubine, the better you will get to know her.
Some women will go with you until the end, even if it will bring no success to them; but others will not go with you the whole way, unless it will bring success to them.
Prostitutes
One night, while I was walking at the hotel where I was staying in Orléans, I ran into some prostitutes.
“Do you want something good, beautiful young man?,” said one.
Her eyes on me are fixed.
For Jesus, the son of Sirach, you know the whore by her eyes.
“No,” I said and went to the hotel.
But that look of a whore I will see it again…
To know if a woman is a whore, see if her looks is fixed on you.
The same themes, different aphorisms
The one who has been in love reads Solomon’s Song of Songs by analogy; the one who has not been in love does not understand it.
Who is a womanizer? He who desires beautiful women for his own pleasure and is desired by them for the same reason.[4]
She does not want me to become her lover –she heard about my sexual affairs.
For us, moderns, technology and medicine multiply the difference: To engage in sexual affairs and to engage in sexual affairs to let her pregnant is not the same thing.
Another way to not let her pregnant is to ejaculate outside of her.
